Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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