just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
