Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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