One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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