and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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