is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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