Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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