FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
