I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
