put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
