she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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