There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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