The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
