Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
