What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
