I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So much rum. So many feels.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
