After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
