he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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