If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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