So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
