it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
