You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
