Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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