Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
