Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
