rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
