Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
