She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
