I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
