My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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