my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
