I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
