I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
3pm strippers are depressing
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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