Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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