what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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