you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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