Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Randomize
