Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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