I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
she smelled like a LAN party
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
