I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
