I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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