note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
