My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
