Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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