Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
