he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
