either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
