Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
