My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
