can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
