genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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